Fuck: A Spotters Guide

Good Fuck: Making loads of noises, alerting neighbors to actual sexual activity on the premises. Leaves nothing behind and does not phone immediately after. In short, probably be charging for services rendered.
Bad Fuck: Counts ceiling tiles, then demands betrothal
Fuckable: not so much conventionally attractive as excluding animal qualities, unless that animal is an otter.
Fuckwit: Not likely to engage in actual fucking anytime soon.
Fucked Over: no longer the recipient of regular fucks.
Fucking Hell: is populated by women of the tanned arid blonde variety who would rather talk about their diets, spirituality, and tiny dogs than engage in sex. See also: Chelsea, tantalus

I loved this when I read it earlier in the morning sitting at a desk.